Was able to sleep well last night, despite being very hungry. I am remarkably calm and relaxed despite what's happened, and am adapting focus and purpose along with it. I have not had a galvanizing purpose for a very long time, and the emotions and perceptions of what I am feeling currently are very similar to what I used to feel as a child; unrestrained curiosity and optimism. I am entirely confident that the future will work out as I would see it unfold, because the people involved in it are as unremarkably predictable as everyone else I have yet encountered, despite their apparent intelligence. People who have not found peace with themselves have, in every observed instance, resorted to remarkably consistant and identifiable courses of action and behavior, and have always been limited to that with the exception of outside influences or events that disrupt the natural order of their habits.
I am no longer convinced that I will be able to find anything new with the people I am close to. I may enjoy their company, but I am once again agonizingly alone with the people whom I now know so well I can predict every course of action they will take in a given situation. I need to find someone whose mind I cannot know; whose actions are again inscrutable and wondrously new and unknown, whom I can learn from and love every new experience I have with them. However, I am more at peace now than I have been, and I find that I do not need others to love or spend time with, since I feel whole. I wonder if this is how he feels, it must be nice.
